I am sitting at my desk on this early Monday morning wondering where does all the time go....fleeting by each day?
There are days, many of them, when I feel like I just don't accomplish much at all. I think it is the one thing I hate about being retired....that I feel no order or normalcy in my days....that on most days I've got no real place to be, no job, no appointments, no one wondering where I am or if I'm going to arrive on time. I know a lot of people think that is the joy of retirement. I hear them say over and over again, "I don't know how I had time to work".
I look at the piles of little papers on my desk and wonder why I can't get more organized...me...the one in the office, everyone said was "so organized", "so structured". I sometimes feel like I've lost that ability. I want to have everything orderly, in one place where I know exactly where it is. I want to have that planned schedule of a job. I want to have someone knowing that at a certain time, I will walk in the door and I will give my 110%, that they can depend on me to do my job and do it well, that I am valued in the overall picture of a business or company. I miss that. I want that.....and yet at the same time....
There are days (like today) when all I want to do is write and maybe read.......and yet I can barely allow myself those days. For some strange reason, I feel guilty (I know it's a terrible problem and fault that I have....guilt). I am told by those who love me that I should not feel guilty...that I worked hard all my life....that I've earned this time. That it's OK. That I need to learn to relax! Whenever they tell me that I am always drawn to the thought of going to get a pedicure or a manicure. The young beautiful girls from Thailand, Vietnam, China (or where ever they are from) take your hand in their tiny hand and start to massage....and in their broken English, tell you "Relaux...Relaux"....I never realized that I am not relaxed, but they must feel tenseness in my hand. And so it is when people tell me I need to learn to relax....I know they are so correct. I can remember my late husband telling someone once, when Peggy takes a vacation, she needs at least two weeks. She needs one week to relax and unwind so she can enjoy the second week.
So I've decided this morning (hopefully I will stick to it) to restructure my time....to designate either a time of the day (a few hours), but more hopefully a full day each week when I allow myself time for myself.....to sit and write....to sit and read.....to eat if I want to or not eat if I don't want to.....to paint.....to do cross-stitch. I used to do all those things when I was working. I can't imagine how I found the time in my busy day to do those things. I guess I did them in the evening....no I know I did them in the evening because I was working in the day.
I especially think about this when I think about writing. I remember reading not too long ago a thought that writers don't talk to other people about their writing, writers don't think about their writing. Writers Write. I wish I could have found the exact quote...it was awesome. It was by a writer named Loraine Herring. And in my search to find it, I spend almost an hour reading other thoughts on writing and finding the blog for Elizabeth Gilbert (author of "Eat, Pray, Live") and the wonderful book I am reading right now called "The Signature of All Things".....
And so that's how my days sometimes go.....I start out doing something...writing or reading things on the internet and jump from one thing to another, to another, to another and before I know it two, three, four hours have past......do you Pinterest.....that can be scary time consuming.....wonderful as you jump from one quote to the next, one idea to the next, one project to the next, exercise ideas, clothes, colors, decorating......it's an endless mind boggling array of things......and then the guilt sets in.....like I've squandered away that time, when I should have been cleaning closets or organizing all these scraps of paper on my desk.........
.......or no wait....maybe this was one of my mornings, one of my days when I just relax and enjoy
the time that 42 years of working....of paying my dues has now allowed me in my retirement years.
By golly, now that I think about it, I think this could work. I'm not squandering away the time...I'm enjoying myself.......and I know where the time goes..........for a change, it goes to the person, the thing, that deserves it the most.........me. I think I will call them "My Selfish Fun Days".
Come back when you have time.....on my "Selfish Fun Days", I'll do my best to post here....
