May 4, 2014
This morning I woke up with a queasy stomach. That seems to happen a lot lately (no for heaven's sake...I'm not pregnant!!!) ....queasy stomach, weepy eyes, heavy sighs. I want to wake up feeling alive, healthy, happy, motivated....I want to find the old me. The one who lived to exercise, the one who ate healthy, the one who smiled all the time and motivated people.....the one whose daddy still lived 2 hours away....the one who could say confidently....yes I had cancer, but that was 12 years ago.
Part of that person I can't get back....so now I want to accept the decisions people have made for what they are and move on. I want to believe my daddy is in a better place and not hurting anymore. I want to except the fact that yes I did get cancer again....but I'm still here and that no one can promise me I won't get it again....but I can't worry about that. I want to be healthy again...healthy and fit and happy....and I want to stop all this continuous crying.....I guess I never realized my heart and feelings were so fragile. Although haven't I been told all my life that I was "thin skinned", that "I take things too seriously", that I am "too soft-hearted for my own good".
So sometimes early in the morning I get up and turn my computer on and key in the word "Pinterest" and all these wonderful motivational, inspiring, "knowing", "understanding" posters come up....that bring me comfort.....knowing that somewhere out there someone feels like I do, or has felt like I do and is trying to help me get through this....this...this...whatever this is.
This morning I found these:
then I found this one....and it made me smile....because believe you me...
if this were true....I'd be Twiggy or Kate Moss!
I went to see my oncologist the other day....to tell her how I had been feeling and to see if perhaps
the aromatase inhibitor they have me on to inhibit the production of estrogen in my body needs to be changed. I knew full well when I started taking them they were going to mess with my hormones....so that in itself if enough to deal with....then along with all the other things going on in my life, it's got me in a real tizzy. One thing she did tell me was something I didn't realize might well me part of my unhappiness right now....part of my feeling lost and confused....and sad......she said it is not uncommon 'at all' for people who have had cancer twice to be scared....even when they've made it through the treatment......to feel like every ache and pain and low feeling might mean that they have cancer somewhere else in their body.....and sometimes when you're in the middle of having those feelings (even if they are buried and you don't realize you are feeling them) and there are lots of other things you are dealing with..... you kind of get to the end of your rope. Your body can take just so much stress....so much grief....and you literally come to ...as they saying goes...."your wits end". I guess I hadn't thought of it that way....but when she said it, I actually felt better....like I wasn't going nuts....Then she suggested I talk to someone professional who might help me get on a more even keel for a while until I can once again see the light at the end of the tunnel. There are lots of people that have been quoted as saying "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"....but I'm also remembering that "When you reach the end of your rope, you will find the hem of His garment".
I had a rather embarrassing episode of uncontrollable tears in the doctor's office when I found out I could not see that "professional" until July.....and then this morning....lovely Pinterest showed me this:
So I'm working on me and I'm going to try to write more often. It helps to get my feelings down on paper or screen....it helps me let them go....
So instead of waking up with a queasy stomach, weepy eyes, heavy sighs, I need to do what Pinterest reminds me to do .....and really....what in my heart I know I need to do.....
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And I need to remember what 8 year old Hannah Cheatam says:
Because after all.....yes my dad is gone and yes I miss him madley....and yes I've had cancer again and yes decisions have been made in my family that I don't understand (well I guess I understand) but that I've allowed to hurt me and yes I've regained a lot of the weight I'd lost and yes I am having to force myself to go to the gym each day and to eat healthy (when comfort food and sugar keep trying to tell me they are my friends....which they are not!) and yes yes yes....I do feel like I'm finding it harder to be strong and happy.....
What I have to remind myself is I'm the girl who loves a self challenge...I'm the girl who knows how to be strong and persevere....I'm still grieving, I'm still scared, I'm still sad, I'm still worn out from the past year and a half.....but as the wonderful saying goes....TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE....SO..........
A last thought..........some of you who have been following this blog might recall a while back that I mentioned a lady I met at the Radiation Treatment place....Sue.............yesterday I went to have a pedicure and when I got there they told me they had given me the wrong time and could I come back 45 minutes later.......no problem... it would give me a chance to scoot over to the grocery store and get my shopping done that I had planned on doing after the pedicure. I had not seen or heard from Sue since the middle of January. To my great pleasure I was pushing my cart and looked up and there she was smiling at me. (I'm a believer in God's timing and being at certain places at certain times) Maybe I'm a Pollyanna, but I believe that pedicure time got changed for a reason.....because if I had gone after my pedicure I never would have seen her. She looked happy and healthy and full of life (remember she'd had to do Chemo and Radiation). Seeing her made my day. Seeing her renewed my spirit....because I guess whomever said it was right about the 3 true words of life....IT GOES ON.....
And it's way too short to hold on to the past and worry about the future....today is the only day we are promised and actually this hour is the only hour we are promised.....I need to start making the best of this limited time we all have (and I have)
As many of you know I love to write....I've been writing a novel for ages and just never seem to get back to it....but Pinterest did not let me down this morning.....in all my gloom and doom and "poor pitiful me" I found this and it made me laugh and smile.....and by golly I think it is MY SIGN!
I'll get through this (maybe with the help of professionals)...maybe on my own...maybe by running into a "new friend"....maybe by forgiving and letting things go...so I can move on and maybe as Hannah says....I'll paint myself a new color
.....and take a different view at things...Have a great day.....
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