I am reading a book right now The Truth About Butterflies
by Nancy Stephan (I'm loving it so far).
In the beginning of the book she has a quote by an unknown author that says:
"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept,
things that we don't want to know but have to learn, people we
can't live without but have to let go"
I've read those words over and over again because right now in what I'm going through and what I've been through in the last 4 or so months, I could not express my feelings any better than to use those words.
Let me take you back a few months to, oh I guess maybe last August, 2012. I was for the most part feeling pretty 'on top of the world'. I had lost 50+ pounds, was more trim, fit and healthy than I think I've ever been in my life. John and I had just finished out our 1st year of retirement and were loving our neighborhood and neighbors. Except for the occassional bouts of arthritis my dad was going through and the nagging pain that kept persisting in the Achilles Tendon of my left heel, things were pretty great. I was having the normal struggles people go through in trying to maintain my weight loss, but even in that area things were not going too bad although I had gained a few pounds back.....so just kept pushing a little harder at the gym and on my power walks....telling myself "no pain-no gain"..... and my heel just kept on aching.... and finally the tendon just demanded to be looked at...so I went to a podiatrist. He put me in an orthodic that inserted into my tennis shoe and that seemed to help somewhat......for a while. My dad was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia *(I think)....you'll realize as we go along here that there were several times he was admitted to the hospital some more serious than others and they kind of all ran together....during those times I went down and stayed with mom and through my own fault found myself not eating very healthy......and not going to a gym or doing much of any kind of workout. As my tendon became more inflammed I was put in a boot and then given cortizone shots. In December we went on a cruise (in the boot) and for a week I allowed myself to indulge in the culinary delights that were offered....knowing full well when I returned I would have to hit the fitness classes with full force....and that I did. Then dad was hospitalized with gout, with pneumonia (again), with heart problems....Over the weeks that followed I learned very quickly that I ate when I was stressed, when I was bored, when I was sad....my bad eating habits were sneaking their way back in....and "there are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept". We soon began to realize that dad was not getting any better and in fact was getting worse with each hospital stay, and "there are things we don't want to know but have to learn". All the while, although the swelling had gone down, my heel continued to hurt. I tried acupuncture which cured a few other ailments I had but didn't do much for the damaged tendon. And once again dad was hospitalized and when I walked in the room of the hospital and he said....in a clear voice...."please just make me comfortable and let me go".....I somehow knew he was speaking from his heart. We tried everything we could do medically (to the extent that he was willing to do). At his request he was transferred from a civilian hospital to a military hospital. When they did all they could do, they had him transferred to an Assited living/Rehab facility and we soon realized that we were wanting him to hold on 'for us' and that it was time to grant his wish and let him go, there are "people we can't live without, but have to let go". And on March 1, 2013 at around 11:30 P.M., he passed peacefully from this world and we are comforted knowing that his heart is beating perfectly, none of his joints hurt, he has two healthy kidneys and he is taking in the crisp clean air of heaven with every breath.
I was reminded that I eat when I am sad....and so the pounds have packed back on. And still, in persistance, my Achilleds Tendon kept bugging me with pain.....so I got a second opinion and with the help of x-rays and am MRI, it was decided that 25% of my tendon was torn, I had a fluid filled bursa behind it and a bone spur that was hitting it..........I chose to go ahead and have surgery done....which happened on March 27th. I am now in my 12th day of post-op, plopped in a wheel chair with my left leg/foot elevated on pillows taking medication for any pain and not doing much exercise. But today that is going to change. I am going to get my weights and bands and at least do some seated upper body work.....and I'm making plans for a full careful, slowly paced, recovery that will get me back to a full workout program.
Perhaps I am just making a correlation when there really isn't one, but I look back to 2002 when my husband passed away in February of that year and the next week I was diagnosed with breast cancer.....I was wisked away to surgery, chemo and radiation and for the next 8 months spent more time trying to stay positive and beat/recover from this cancer that I did not have much time to grieve the loss of my husband...........and now my dad passes away and 26 days later I am in surgery and now trying to stay positive and recover from this surgery........which has taken my mind off painful grieving of the loss of my dad. I don't know if it means anything, if there is any correlaton, but I do beleive that God works in mysterious ways and that he helps us get through....He never brings us to something without helping us through. I know that when I am recovered fully from this surgery, I will be back at the gym getting fit and healthy.....because one thing my dad's illnesses taught me is that "if you want to keep moving, you have to keep moving" and that "you have to eat healthy". I know that is a lot easier said than done, but I see people here in our community that are as old as my dad was, or older, who come to the gym and make every effort to keep their body moving. During the time that my dad was hospitalized I had a friend I went to high school pass away and a neighbor pass away......and it made it ever so clear that you just never know when your "time" may come. You have to count your blessings and savor each moment of each day. I can sit here and feel sorry for myself that I am not able to get up, walk around, or exercise.....or I can thank God that I found a good doctor who was able to repair my injury and accept the fact that the recovery will take a great deal of time, but when I am completely recovered, I will be, as I expressed in the beginning of this post, "on top of the world". This is a temporary test of my patience, for right now I have to be still.....and it makes me think of the words of the Lord, "Be still and know that I am God".
I am a part of a memoir writing group and our assignment for our next meeting is to write something about the first decade of our lives.....so I'm going to work on it and maybe it will become my next post.......in the meantime, have a wonderful day and keep your sunny side up!
by Nancy Stephan (I'm loving it so far).
In the beginning of the book she has a quote by an unknown author that says:
"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept,
things that we don't want to know but have to learn, people we
can't live without but have to let go"
I've read those words over and over again because right now in what I'm going through and what I've been through in the last 4 or so months, I could not express my feelings any better than to use those words.
Let me take you back a few months to, oh I guess maybe last August, 2012. I was for the most part feeling pretty 'on top of the world'. I had lost 50+ pounds, was more trim, fit and healthy than I think I've ever been in my life. John and I had just finished out our 1st year of retirement and were loving our neighborhood and neighbors. Except for the occassional bouts of arthritis my dad was going through and the nagging pain that kept persisting in the Achilles Tendon of my left heel, things were pretty great. I was having the normal struggles people go through in trying to maintain my weight loss, but even in that area things were not going too bad although I had gained a few pounds back.....so just kept pushing a little harder at the gym and on my power walks....telling myself "no pain-no gain"..... and my heel just kept on aching.... and finally the tendon just demanded to be looked at...so I went to a podiatrist. He put me in an orthodic that inserted into my tennis shoe and that seemed to help somewhat......for a while. My dad was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia *(I think)....you'll realize as we go along here that there were several times he was admitted to the hospital some more serious than others and they kind of all ran together....during those times I went down and stayed with mom and through my own fault found myself not eating very healthy......and not going to a gym or doing much of any kind of workout. As my tendon became more inflammed I was put in a boot and then given cortizone shots. In December we went on a cruise (in the boot) and for a week I allowed myself to indulge in the culinary delights that were offered....knowing full well when I returned I would have to hit the fitness classes with full force....and that I did. Then dad was hospitalized with gout, with pneumonia (again), with heart problems....Over the weeks that followed I learned very quickly that I ate when I was stressed, when I was bored, when I was sad....my bad eating habits were sneaking their way back in....and "there are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept". We soon began to realize that dad was not getting any better and in fact was getting worse with each hospital stay, and "there are things we don't want to know but have to learn". All the while, although the swelling had gone down, my heel continued to hurt. I tried acupuncture which cured a few other ailments I had but didn't do much for the damaged tendon. And once again dad was hospitalized and when I walked in the room of the hospital and he said....in a clear voice...."please just make me comfortable and let me go".....I somehow knew he was speaking from his heart. We tried everything we could do medically (to the extent that he was willing to do). At his request he was transferred from a civilian hospital to a military hospital. When they did all they could do, they had him transferred to an Assited living/Rehab facility and we soon realized that we were wanting him to hold on 'for us' and that it was time to grant his wish and let him go, there are "people we can't live without, but have to let go". And on March 1, 2013 at around 11:30 P.M., he passed peacefully from this world and we are comforted knowing that his heart is beating perfectly, none of his joints hurt, he has two healthy kidneys and he is taking in the crisp clean air of heaven with every breath.
I was reminded that I eat when I am sad....and so the pounds have packed back on. And still, in persistance, my Achilleds Tendon kept bugging me with pain.....so I got a second opinion and with the help of x-rays and am MRI, it was decided that 25% of my tendon was torn, I had a fluid filled bursa behind it and a bone spur that was hitting it..........I chose to go ahead and have surgery done....which happened on March 27th. I am now in my 12th day of post-op, plopped in a wheel chair with my left leg/foot elevated on pillows taking medication for any pain and not doing much exercise. But today that is going to change. I am going to get my weights and bands and at least do some seated upper body work.....and I'm making plans for a full careful, slowly paced, recovery that will get me back to a full workout program.
Perhaps I am just making a correlation when there really isn't one, but I look back to 2002 when my husband passed away in February of that year and the next week I was diagnosed with breast cancer.....I was wisked away to surgery, chemo and radiation and for the next 8 months spent more time trying to stay positive and beat/recover from this cancer that I did not have much time to grieve the loss of my husband...........and now my dad passes away and 26 days later I am in surgery and now trying to stay positive and recover from this surgery........which has taken my mind off painful grieving of the loss of my dad. I don't know if it means anything, if there is any correlaton, but I do beleive that God works in mysterious ways and that he helps us get through....He never brings us to something without helping us through. I know that when I am recovered fully from this surgery, I will be back at the gym getting fit and healthy.....because one thing my dad's illnesses taught me is that "if you want to keep moving, you have to keep moving" and that "you have to eat healthy". I know that is a lot easier said than done, but I see people here in our community that are as old as my dad was, or older, who come to the gym and make every effort to keep their body moving. During the time that my dad was hospitalized I had a friend I went to high school pass away and a neighbor pass away......and it made it ever so clear that you just never know when your "time" may come. You have to count your blessings and savor each moment of each day. I can sit here and feel sorry for myself that I am not able to get up, walk around, or exercise.....or I can thank God that I found a good doctor who was able to repair my injury and accept the fact that the recovery will take a great deal of time, but when I am completely recovered, I will be, as I expressed in the beginning of this post, "on top of the world". This is a temporary test of my patience, for right now I have to be still.....and it makes me think of the words of the Lord, "Be still and know that I am God".
I am a part of a memoir writing group and our assignment for our next meeting is to write something about the first decade of our lives.....so I'm going to work on it and maybe it will become my next post.......in the meantime, have a wonderful day and keep your sunny side up!
2 comments:
I am so glad to read this...you have a lot on your shoulders and have had for some time. Losing our parents is devastating, grieving for them takes time, and caring for ourselves is our lifelong work. We, particularly women, have a tendency to ignore the last part. I am glad to hear you say you are recommitting yourself to caring for yourself. You are worth it!
Today I turn 58. That is the age my father was when he died. That is the age my father-in-law was when he died. It is NOT the age I will be when I die! It IS the age I will be when I will be in the best shape of my life.
Do it with me and I will do it with you. We'll be healthy together.
God puts people in our lives for a reason. Perhaps we met to do just this for each other.
What a wonderful gift for God to give us.... :>)
Thanks for your comment Bonnie...I too am a strong believer that God puts people in our lives for special reasons...hearing you read your writings at the Gathering of Writers workshop where we met gave me such inspiration to work at my writing and then when you wrote in your blog about your mother, I learned to truly love memoir writing and meet with a group here in Texas. Let do cheer each other on...I'll post here or on my fitat99 blog, I look forward to our success!
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