Life is full of colors.....

I belong to a memoir writing group that meets occasionally to share things we have written.  Although we normally stick to memoir writing, this month's topic choice was 'free form'.  We could write about anything.  Below is what I wrote.  I've also posted it on my fitat99 blog where I am keeping a journal/diary of sorts.....

 

LIFE IS FULL OF COLORS

Taylor Swift is a wildly popular young singer/songwriter who recently wrote a song and an album called “Red”.  When asked how she decided on that name for the song and for the album, she said “This album is about emotions. I wrote this song about the fact that some things are just hard to forget….because the emotions involved with them were so intense and, to me intense emotion— is red.”  “There is nothing beige about being in a tumultuous, crazy, insane, semi-toxic relationship”. “Emotions have color.”   I wrote this piece with that thought in mind…….and I call it LIFE IS FULL OF COLORS

Each of our lives have many happenings....some randomly general and some very personal.  As you think about the things that have happened or are happening, the emotions involved in those happenings take on colors of their own.  When you think about those emotions, let them dance across the shiny saw-dusted golden wood floor of the ballroom of your mind, let them bounce back and forth like a white ping pong ball on the green table from one side of your brain to the other.  The thoughts and emotions start out as a tiny brown seed and can often turn into a time lapse picture and begins to grow, pushing its way through the gray mass developing their petals of violet or blue, sometimes red-- that slowly open and form a flower, then a bouquet and then a green meadow full of flowers. The thoughts from an incident or a time in your life, take on a life of their own-- like a tiny hairless chick that works itself out of the shell of a warm brown spotted egg...that soon becomes covered in fluffy yellow newborn down....and slowly wobbles on fragile unsteady gray-brown feet and opens its pale orange beak and tells the world it's here.

Some of those thoughts or emotions can explode into firework colors and develop into stories and some are just thoughts that pass like a colorless raindrop and never seem to find a full story line.

I've had a year full of happenings, a year full of colors. A lot of thoughts have presented themselves to me as candidates for stories.....asking to be given "a voice" but most don't make it to my own personal blind auditions. They ask to be given color and life...but I just can't seem to get the brush strokes right or the color to dry.

When I thought about what I wanted to write two events jumped to the front of the line, the loss of my Dad on March 1st and the trials and tribulations of my Achilles tendon surgery and recovery.

I'm still caressing the soft fragile black clay of my Dad's passing and as the potter's wheel continues to spin in my mind and my heart, it throws off wet globs of sadness over that event. I know the clay will have to harden a bit more, before I can find all the words, phrases, characters, and emotions to be able to write that story. ......I'm not ready to write about the slate gray cumbersome clouds and the blackness of that day.

And on a daily basis, especially when I spin wildly on a stationary bike, do calf raises, lunges, squats or power walk 5 miles I am reminded that the recovery of my torn and now repaired Achilles tendon is still not complete.....there are red flags telling me that story hasn't come full circle and so needs a successful ending to merit itself as a complete story.

But something happened recently and is still happening in my world that makes me want to write about a little girl's favorite color....the color pink.  It's the color most used in the blanket, booties, cap and first dress of a brand new baby girl. It's what we all grow up hearing ....blue is for boys and pink is for girls.  It's the color of the tiny bow placed on her head if she doesn't have much hair……......

it is all those things……..but today it is a color not associated with the innocence of a little girl, a color that doesn't necessarily speak of softness and femininity.....it is a color that represents to many women, some men, and now twice for me.....the strength and courage to fight and survive a scary monster called BREAST CANCER?

Having a mammogram is far far far from being even remotely pleasant.  But add to that the words ..."um, we'd like to take a couple more films"....or worse yet, "we see something that doesn't look quite right...that wasn't there last year...something that needs to be biopsied."  You don't feel pink and girly when you hear those words. You feel burgundy anger, queasy green, and white-knuckle scared.  First only one word comes to mind when you wonder frantically if you heard right....it's a single word question ....WHAT? Then the second single word question -- WHY?  And then as gray fear covers your thoughts a two word question forms -- WHY ME! You don't actually say these words because the red of your blood has now drained and left you pasty white and nearly incapable of speaking. Only to be outdone by your lack of voice and the sparkle fading from your eyes when they confirm that it is indeed malignant....not only malignant but ..... Not "Ductal INSITU" which would mean it is encapsulated in the duct....no it's malignant and "Ductal INVASIVE" which means it is moving out of the duct. It is news you cry about...or at least I did....and even though you listen to all the terms, decisions and information that take on the oranges, blues and yellows of the bombs going off in your brain, you try to remain calm and you try to appear brave and confident. You get through the surgery... You somehow make it through the jaundice yellow the chemo makes you feel and the beige tiredness that comes with the red beam of radiation.  And the days pass, as do the weeks, the months and the years....for those of us who are lucky enough to win this battle.

But even though several years pass, you still get a pale blue icy feeling each time you get your yearly checkup, until the color of joy comes back to your whole body when you hear the words...."Everything looks good.....see you next year."

And when 11 years have passed, you walk through that door that says "Mammography” confidently, expecting to hear those very words again ..."Everything looks good.....see you next year."

You don't expect to hear the gut wrenching words ...like déjà vu – "We see something that doesn't look quite right...we need to do a biopsy...  I'm so sorry to tell you...it's cancer." 

Again you cry....as silently in your mind your fists beat on the blood red face of the fire breathing dragon monster that has once again invaded your body.... And like the Charlie Brown cartoon when all he hears from the teacher is wha wha wha wha, your mind goes blank to anything said after the word CANCER...and then those two word questions and statements scream silently in your brain....WHY ME?  NOT AGAIN!! 

And this time it's discovered in October....How's that for being "AWARE"!  And you strangely realize that part of the treatment may well fall on the day you become Medicare eligible and part of it will fall on the day you turn 65....as if that might have been a special birthday.

Your world becomes the greens, yellows, and purples of a fading bruise....and for a moment your whole world turns black and gray and blue....your very soul feels battered.

But then you remember you're a girl....and PINK is your color...and you had the courage, determination and positive attitude to fight it and beat it as you did before.  Can you do it again? OH YES YOU CAN!  

I am reminded of a quote by Dr. Seuss:

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind

Some come from ahead and some come from behind…

But I’ve bought a big bat….I’m all ready you see

Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!

So I shouted bring on the surgery and bring on the treatments....I'll get through this again....you just watch me.... 

Last Friday, I had the surgery and that day was filled with hazy blues and soft faint greens that made up the Lidocaine injections, the stark blackness of the anesthesia and the pale airy colors of a rainbow brought on by nausea and pain medication.

Now I am in a world of emotions that are non-descript white – the world of waiting,,,,, waiting for the pathology reports to be returned; Reports that will bring me the passionate purple predictors of what my treatment or treatments will be….

But someday soon I'll have this all behind me ....again....and once again with a twinkle in my eye....I'll say....

"I'm doing just fine..."

“I’M IN THE PINK!"

Do you ever wonder????

Wrote this a while back and never posted it....thought I'd post it today.

  Did you ever wonder where you might be right now....if you hadn't made the choices you made or took the paths you took...whenever?  Do you ever wonder if you'd be in the same state or with the same person...have the same dreams....have the same regrets..... have had the same joys and moments of inspiration and wonder?

What if you could turn back the hands of time to say....when you were 18 and your slate would be wiped clean and the world would be laying out before you for the taking.  I know lots and lots of people say they wouldn't change a thing because all the things they chose, all the places they went, all the people they chose to be associated with (regardless of how those relationships turned out) made them who they are today....and a really really big part of me agrees wholeheartedly (no wait...I guess it can't be wholeheartedly if it's only a really really big part).....anyway, you get the drift.

I guess I have to admit that I am one of those people that some people loathe...when I say "if it's meant to happen it will happen", "I am exactly where I am suppose to be", "everything happens for a reason".  But I'm also a person who believes that "God helps those who help themselves", "your true love doesn't just walk in your door, sometimes you have to turn the knob and walk out the door to see what/who's out there".  I'm also a "reach for the moon, cause even if you don't make it you'll be among the stars" kind of gal. OK OK those of you who know me well, know that I can also be a "oh poor pitiful me, why did that have to happen to me"....guilty as charged.

I will be the first person to admit I've made some pretty strange and not always wise choices in my life......and yes it's true....some of them didn't turn out so well and when that happened I had  "light bulb" moments about how wise my folks were when they said "are you sure you want to do that....might want to think that one through a little longer"...........but when you're young....and in love....or you think you are...(oh pleeeese...you know it happens when those hormones are new and going wild) parents ideas and speeches sometimes go in one ear and out the other as your eyes roll.....and you plunge on ahead.

If you've been lucky enough to have found that one special person and stuck it out and worked on your relationship and the years have passed and you not only are still in love...you still like each other, then count your blessings.  If not and you parted ways...even after years and years....do you ever wonder what life would be like right now, where you'd be living, what you'd be dong, if you'd stuck it out, if you hadn't made the choice to leave.  Going through that thought process may give you a queasy stomach or it may make you do back flips of joy at the decision you made....but wouldn't it be interesting if you had a magic video that could take you back to the day you made the decision and reverse that decision and move you forward over the years and allow you to see you life with another choice. (This is how I feel about past choices today)
                                            

Or on the other hand what if you were in a situation where you chose to stay, even though you knew you should leave....it's all in those choices we make.  Where would you be, what would you be doing, who else might you have met, if you'd listened to your small voice in your head that said "you need to let this go", "your time here is done"...."learn from this and move on".  Take the time to just sit and wonder....what if you'd chosen to walk away.  Yes it's in the past (or maybe for you it's your present)....no body died from wondering and thinking........and perhaps dreaming.

And likewise.....what if someone or some opportunity came along that seemed pretty interesting and you didn't give them/it more than a passing fancy....do you ever wonder where that person is, what they're doing, what might have happened if you'd taken the chance to get to know them.....where that job might have taken you, what doors it might have opened...if you'd been brave enough to take a chance.


Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you never had children, always wanted children, but life circumstances and the choices you made never brought children into your life? That's one I think about a lot.  I've learned to let it go, but I guess deep down it will always be one of the biggest regrets in my life.  I have three step-children that I adore.  But I never had the joy of a tiny baby soft and tender and so dependent on me lay in my arms and look up at me with pure trust and unconditional love.  My physical therapist said, in a discussion we were having yesterday morning about the children lost in the Moore, Oklahoma tornado, that he couldn't imagine the pain and sadness of losing a child.  He has a 9 month old baby boy and he said "it wasn't until I held him in my arms right after he was born, that I realized and understood, this is someone I would take a bullet for--no questions asked".  I won't ever know that feeling....and I wonder sometimes what that would have been like.  I had a miscarriage when I was about 22 and for one reason or another I never got pregnant again.  But that's one of those things that even though you might wonder what it would have been like....when you're 64 you just have to let go because I know without a shadow of a doubt that will never happen. (except maybe through the grace of God and a huge huge miracle only in His power!)


Did you ever wonder how long your hair would be if you'd quit getting it cut or what you might look like if you bravely cut your long locks really short. Or if you really could make a difference in the way you look and feel...not to mention the improvement to your health, if you started exercising and eating healthy (uuuh note to self...good topic for my next post on fitat99 blog).  I think by nature, we stick to what is comfortable, what we are used to....but oh how I wonder and often take action on following through with that wonder about changing up the way I look.........and oh the miracles of modern technology and makeup.  You can go from short to long with hair weaves, you can go from long to short with wigs (or a buzz cut if you're brave) and I'm here to tell you mere walking everyday does wonders for how you look and feel.  Having gone through breast cancer and being bald as a jaybird (where'd that expression come from?)....I'm pretty open to all kinds of looks.  I'm even finding in my ever evolving maturity that I am more open to and accepting of strange look (that in truth aren't always strange or bad...just not in my world of comfort).  You know "different strokes for different folks".  I don't understand the whole tattoo/ body piercing thing, but I have to confess, I occasionally see a tattoo pinned on Pinterest and find myself "shockingly" thinking hmmmm...if I was into tattoos that might be a nice one...



                                              
                                                                                                       
We all make choices every single day.....I always love the Mary Engelbriet picture that says

" There is a choice you have to make, 
   In everything you do.  
  And you must always keep in mind,
  the choice you make, makes you."

So when you think about the choices you've made,
Do you ever wonder......?

November 7th.....Time to rest and time for Pansies

So I didn't think I'd be back over here writing, but I'm just taking day 2 of being, not lazy, but kind to myself.  For the last two days, I've just been taking it easy.  I've got a dang fall cold and I have to get rid of it so I don't have to cancel my breast cancer surgery scheduled for November 15th.  It's been so long since I had a cold, it's really a pain in the patooty!  I was trying to fight it off with exercise and sweating....you know kind of like this poster says:

But in some strange way, my body was telling me to cool it for a while....so yesterday, I barely got out of my PJs and today I was feeling better, but decided to take another day and just kind of veg out. I did get up, give my face a beauty treatment scrub and put some makeup on.  At least today I don't sound like I've got gravel in my throat.  So I guess I'm heading in the right direction.  I haven't been out, but it looks like a perfect day to take a walk.  It is a beautiful day, just cool enough to remind you that we are officially into fall--no doubt about it, but warm enough to make you want to get out and prune all your plants--maybe plant some pansies.I just love those happy little faces and down here (in South central Texas) they bloom pretty much through the whole winter and they come in such a variety of colors .....but today that's not going to happen, cause my body wants to heal, my body wants to rest, my body is on a mini vacation ...although I did do some exercises a little while ago....wall squats, BOSU ball balance on one leg, stability ball crunches, squats, and bicep curls. 

I think it must sound like I am rambling, but that's kind of how I feel today....just all over the place.  I don't truly like to just let my body rest.  I like being outdoors and I like exercising and I like having a project to work on..........and I have tons I could be working on.....but I just can't seem to concentrate.

I have a million things going through my mind, a dear friend who's husband is losing his battle with an illness, the loneliness of my mom since my dad passed, a Christmas gift I need to finish up, cleaning I need to do, what to have for dinner, hoping this dang cancer stays put until they get the margins out and tell me they are all clean....hoping this cold goes away and my body is ready for the treatment it must endure....where my friends Marsha Weaver and Suzy Potts are (I lost them a long time ago and never have been able to track them down), thinking of all the people in Maine I had hoped to see in November (until this unwelcomed visitor came to call) and I had to cancel our trip, trying to remember how blessed I am and how thankful I need to be............those things and about three dozen more.  It's just one of those days....I think I'll go fix me a cup of tea, curl up in a chair in the sun room for a bit and think of you........

Sending you to my other blog temporarily

I know I haven't written on this blog much lately and I guess I have a good enough excuse....I've been busy writing on my other blog  www.fitat99.blogspot.com ....actually keeping a journal of sorts on that blog about my latest diagnosis with breast cancer.  Yeh it stinks that I have to go through this again. You'd think that when you go through it once, you wouldn't have to do it again.  And 11 years cancer free has definitely given me a false sense of security.  But there you have it.  It is what it is.  I'm trying to patiently wait till my surgery date which is November 15th, 3 days after my 65th birthday.  I've already had the biopsy and they think they got most of it, but now they have to do margins and 3 lymph nodes.  So if you've been faithful to this blog and wondered why I haven't written, that's why.  I will try to get back here....especially to write things that don't pertain to my breast cancer.  In the mean time if you'd like to follow my second journey down this path that God has laid in front of me, then please follow me at www.fitat99.blogspot.com

That blog was originally set up as a motivational blog for everyone fighting the weight battle, but mostly for people over 50 who are trying like me to get fit and healthy and to be fit at 99.

So I'll see you over there...

And remember....At any given moment you have the power to say:
                            This is not how the story is going to end

Or as Katy Perry says....YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR ME ROAR!