Life is full of colors.....

I belong to a memoir writing group that meets occasionally to share things we have written.  Although we normally stick to memoir writing, this month's topic choice was 'free form'.  We could write about anything.  Below is what I wrote.  I've also posted it on my fitat99 blog where I am keeping a journal/diary of sorts.....

 

LIFE IS FULL OF COLORS

Taylor Swift is a wildly popular young singer/songwriter who recently wrote a song and an album called “Red”.  When asked how she decided on that name for the song and for the album, she said “This album is about emotions. I wrote this song about the fact that some things are just hard to forget….because the emotions involved with them were so intense and, to me intense emotion— is red.”  “There is nothing beige about being in a tumultuous, crazy, insane, semi-toxic relationship”. “Emotions have color.”   I wrote this piece with that thought in mind…….and I call it LIFE IS FULL OF COLORS

Each of our lives have many happenings....some randomly general and some very personal.  As you think about the things that have happened or are happening, the emotions involved in those happenings take on colors of their own.  When you think about those emotions, let them dance across the shiny saw-dusted golden wood floor of the ballroom of your mind, let them bounce back and forth like a white ping pong ball on the green table from one side of your brain to the other.  The thoughts and emotions start out as a tiny brown seed and can often turn into a time lapse picture and begins to grow, pushing its way through the gray mass developing their petals of violet or blue, sometimes red-- that slowly open and form a flower, then a bouquet and then a green meadow full of flowers. The thoughts from an incident or a time in your life, take on a life of their own-- like a tiny hairless chick that works itself out of the shell of a warm brown spotted egg...that soon becomes covered in fluffy yellow newborn down....and slowly wobbles on fragile unsteady gray-brown feet and opens its pale orange beak and tells the world it's here.

Some of those thoughts or emotions can explode into firework colors and develop into stories and some are just thoughts that pass like a colorless raindrop and never seem to find a full story line.

I've had a year full of happenings, a year full of colors. A lot of thoughts have presented themselves to me as candidates for stories.....asking to be given "a voice" but most don't make it to my own personal blind auditions. They ask to be given color and life...but I just can't seem to get the brush strokes right or the color to dry.

When I thought about what I wanted to write two events jumped to the front of the line, the loss of my Dad on March 1st and the trials and tribulations of my Achilles tendon surgery and recovery.

I'm still caressing the soft fragile black clay of my Dad's passing and as the potter's wheel continues to spin in my mind and my heart, it throws off wet globs of sadness over that event. I know the clay will have to harden a bit more, before I can find all the words, phrases, characters, and emotions to be able to write that story. ......I'm not ready to write about the slate gray cumbersome clouds and the blackness of that day.

And on a daily basis, especially when I spin wildly on a stationary bike, do calf raises, lunges, squats or power walk 5 miles I am reminded that the recovery of my torn and now repaired Achilles tendon is still not complete.....there are red flags telling me that story hasn't come full circle and so needs a successful ending to merit itself as a complete story.

But something happened recently and is still happening in my world that makes me want to write about a little girl's favorite color....the color pink.  It's the color most used in the blanket, booties, cap and first dress of a brand new baby girl. It's what we all grow up hearing ....blue is for boys and pink is for girls.  It's the color of the tiny bow placed on her head if she doesn't have much hair……......

it is all those things……..but today it is a color not associated with the innocence of a little girl, a color that doesn't necessarily speak of softness and femininity.....it is a color that represents to many women, some men, and now twice for me.....the strength and courage to fight and survive a scary monster called BREAST CANCER?

Having a mammogram is far far far from being even remotely pleasant.  But add to that the words ..."um, we'd like to take a couple more films"....or worse yet, "we see something that doesn't look quite right...that wasn't there last year...something that needs to be biopsied."  You don't feel pink and girly when you hear those words. You feel burgundy anger, queasy green, and white-knuckle scared.  First only one word comes to mind when you wonder frantically if you heard right....it's a single word question ....WHAT? Then the second single word question -- WHY?  And then as gray fear covers your thoughts a two word question forms -- WHY ME! You don't actually say these words because the red of your blood has now drained and left you pasty white and nearly incapable of speaking. Only to be outdone by your lack of voice and the sparkle fading from your eyes when they confirm that it is indeed malignant....not only malignant but ..... Not "Ductal INSITU" which would mean it is encapsulated in the duct....no it's malignant and "Ductal INVASIVE" which means it is moving out of the duct. It is news you cry about...or at least I did....and even though you listen to all the terms, decisions and information that take on the oranges, blues and yellows of the bombs going off in your brain, you try to remain calm and you try to appear brave and confident. You get through the surgery... You somehow make it through the jaundice yellow the chemo makes you feel and the beige tiredness that comes with the red beam of radiation.  And the days pass, as do the weeks, the months and the years....for those of us who are lucky enough to win this battle.

But even though several years pass, you still get a pale blue icy feeling each time you get your yearly checkup, until the color of joy comes back to your whole body when you hear the words...."Everything looks good.....see you next year."

And when 11 years have passed, you walk through that door that says "Mammography” confidently, expecting to hear those very words again ..."Everything looks good.....see you next year."

You don't expect to hear the gut wrenching words ...like déjà vu – "We see something that doesn't look quite right...we need to do a biopsy...  I'm so sorry to tell you...it's cancer." 

Again you cry....as silently in your mind your fists beat on the blood red face of the fire breathing dragon monster that has once again invaded your body.... And like the Charlie Brown cartoon when all he hears from the teacher is wha wha wha wha, your mind goes blank to anything said after the word CANCER...and then those two word questions and statements scream silently in your brain....WHY ME?  NOT AGAIN!! 

And this time it's discovered in October....How's that for being "AWARE"!  And you strangely realize that part of the treatment may well fall on the day you become Medicare eligible and part of it will fall on the day you turn 65....as if that might have been a special birthday.

Your world becomes the greens, yellows, and purples of a fading bruise....and for a moment your whole world turns black and gray and blue....your very soul feels battered.

But then you remember you're a girl....and PINK is your color...and you had the courage, determination and positive attitude to fight it and beat it as you did before.  Can you do it again? OH YES YOU CAN!  

I am reminded of a quote by Dr. Seuss:

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind

Some come from ahead and some come from behind…

But I’ve bought a big bat….I’m all ready you see

Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!

So I shouted bring on the surgery and bring on the treatments....I'll get through this again....you just watch me.... 

Last Friday, I had the surgery and that day was filled with hazy blues and soft faint greens that made up the Lidocaine injections, the stark blackness of the anesthesia and the pale airy colors of a rainbow brought on by nausea and pain medication.

Now I am in a world of emotions that are non-descript white – the world of waiting,,,,, waiting for the pathology reports to be returned; Reports that will bring me the passionate purple predictors of what my treatment or treatments will be….

But someday soon I'll have this all behind me ....again....and once again with a twinkle in my eye....I'll say....

"I'm doing just fine..."

“I’M IN THE PINK!"

Do you ever wonder????

Wrote this a while back and never posted it....thought I'd post it today.

  Did you ever wonder where you might be right now....if you hadn't made the choices you made or took the paths you took...whenever?  Do you ever wonder if you'd be in the same state or with the same person...have the same dreams....have the same regrets..... have had the same joys and moments of inspiration and wonder?

What if you could turn back the hands of time to say....when you were 18 and your slate would be wiped clean and the world would be laying out before you for the taking.  I know lots and lots of people say they wouldn't change a thing because all the things they chose, all the places they went, all the people they chose to be associated with (regardless of how those relationships turned out) made them who they are today....and a really really big part of me agrees wholeheartedly (no wait...I guess it can't be wholeheartedly if it's only a really really big part).....anyway, you get the drift.

I guess I have to admit that I am one of those people that some people loathe...when I say "if it's meant to happen it will happen", "I am exactly where I am suppose to be", "everything happens for a reason".  But I'm also a person who believes that "God helps those who help themselves", "your true love doesn't just walk in your door, sometimes you have to turn the knob and walk out the door to see what/who's out there".  I'm also a "reach for the moon, cause even if you don't make it you'll be among the stars" kind of gal. OK OK those of you who know me well, know that I can also be a "oh poor pitiful me, why did that have to happen to me"....guilty as charged.

I will be the first person to admit I've made some pretty strange and not always wise choices in my life......and yes it's true....some of them didn't turn out so well and when that happened I had  "light bulb" moments about how wise my folks were when they said "are you sure you want to do that....might want to think that one through a little longer"...........but when you're young....and in love....or you think you are...(oh pleeeese...you know it happens when those hormones are new and going wild) parents ideas and speeches sometimes go in one ear and out the other as your eyes roll.....and you plunge on ahead.

If you've been lucky enough to have found that one special person and stuck it out and worked on your relationship and the years have passed and you not only are still in love...you still like each other, then count your blessings.  If not and you parted ways...even after years and years....do you ever wonder what life would be like right now, where you'd be living, what you'd be dong, if you'd stuck it out, if you hadn't made the choice to leave.  Going through that thought process may give you a queasy stomach or it may make you do back flips of joy at the decision you made....but wouldn't it be interesting if you had a magic video that could take you back to the day you made the decision and reverse that decision and move you forward over the years and allow you to see you life with another choice. (This is how I feel about past choices today)
                                            

Or on the other hand what if you were in a situation where you chose to stay, even though you knew you should leave....it's all in those choices we make.  Where would you be, what would you be doing, who else might you have met, if you'd listened to your small voice in your head that said "you need to let this go", "your time here is done"...."learn from this and move on".  Take the time to just sit and wonder....what if you'd chosen to walk away.  Yes it's in the past (or maybe for you it's your present)....no body died from wondering and thinking........and perhaps dreaming.

And likewise.....what if someone or some opportunity came along that seemed pretty interesting and you didn't give them/it more than a passing fancy....do you ever wonder where that person is, what they're doing, what might have happened if you'd taken the chance to get to know them.....where that job might have taken you, what doors it might have opened...if you'd been brave enough to take a chance.


Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you never had children, always wanted children, but life circumstances and the choices you made never brought children into your life? That's one I think about a lot.  I've learned to let it go, but I guess deep down it will always be one of the biggest regrets in my life.  I have three step-children that I adore.  But I never had the joy of a tiny baby soft and tender and so dependent on me lay in my arms and look up at me with pure trust and unconditional love.  My physical therapist said, in a discussion we were having yesterday morning about the children lost in the Moore, Oklahoma tornado, that he couldn't imagine the pain and sadness of losing a child.  He has a 9 month old baby boy and he said "it wasn't until I held him in my arms right after he was born, that I realized and understood, this is someone I would take a bullet for--no questions asked".  I won't ever know that feeling....and I wonder sometimes what that would have been like.  I had a miscarriage when I was about 22 and for one reason or another I never got pregnant again.  But that's one of those things that even though you might wonder what it would have been like....when you're 64 you just have to let go because I know without a shadow of a doubt that will never happen. (except maybe through the grace of God and a huge huge miracle only in His power!)


Did you ever wonder how long your hair would be if you'd quit getting it cut or what you might look like if you bravely cut your long locks really short. Or if you really could make a difference in the way you look and feel...not to mention the improvement to your health, if you started exercising and eating healthy (uuuh note to self...good topic for my next post on fitat99 blog).  I think by nature, we stick to what is comfortable, what we are used to....but oh how I wonder and often take action on following through with that wonder about changing up the way I look.........and oh the miracles of modern technology and makeup.  You can go from short to long with hair weaves, you can go from long to short with wigs (or a buzz cut if you're brave) and I'm here to tell you mere walking everyday does wonders for how you look and feel.  Having gone through breast cancer and being bald as a jaybird (where'd that expression come from?)....I'm pretty open to all kinds of looks.  I'm even finding in my ever evolving maturity that I am more open to and accepting of strange look (that in truth aren't always strange or bad...just not in my world of comfort).  You know "different strokes for different folks".  I don't understand the whole tattoo/ body piercing thing, but I have to confess, I occasionally see a tattoo pinned on Pinterest and find myself "shockingly" thinking hmmmm...if I was into tattoos that might be a nice one...



                                              
                                                                                                       
We all make choices every single day.....I always love the Mary Engelbriet picture that says

" There is a choice you have to make, 
   In everything you do.  
  And you must always keep in mind,
  the choice you make, makes you."

So when you think about the choices you've made,
Do you ever wonder......?

November 7th.....Time to rest and time for Pansies

So I didn't think I'd be back over here writing, but I'm just taking day 2 of being, not lazy, but kind to myself.  For the last two days, I've just been taking it easy.  I've got a dang fall cold and I have to get rid of it so I don't have to cancel my breast cancer surgery scheduled for November 15th.  It's been so long since I had a cold, it's really a pain in the patooty!  I was trying to fight it off with exercise and sweating....you know kind of like this poster says:

But in some strange way, my body was telling me to cool it for a while....so yesterday, I barely got out of my PJs and today I was feeling better, but decided to take another day and just kind of veg out. I did get up, give my face a beauty treatment scrub and put some makeup on.  At least today I don't sound like I've got gravel in my throat.  So I guess I'm heading in the right direction.  I haven't been out, but it looks like a perfect day to take a walk.  It is a beautiful day, just cool enough to remind you that we are officially into fall--no doubt about it, but warm enough to make you want to get out and prune all your plants--maybe plant some pansies.I just love those happy little faces and down here (in South central Texas) they bloom pretty much through the whole winter and they come in such a variety of colors .....but today that's not going to happen, cause my body wants to heal, my body wants to rest, my body is on a mini vacation ...although I did do some exercises a little while ago....wall squats, BOSU ball balance on one leg, stability ball crunches, squats, and bicep curls. 

I think it must sound like I am rambling, but that's kind of how I feel today....just all over the place.  I don't truly like to just let my body rest.  I like being outdoors and I like exercising and I like having a project to work on..........and I have tons I could be working on.....but I just can't seem to concentrate.

I have a million things going through my mind, a dear friend who's husband is losing his battle with an illness, the loneliness of my mom since my dad passed, a Christmas gift I need to finish up, cleaning I need to do, what to have for dinner, hoping this dang cancer stays put until they get the margins out and tell me they are all clean....hoping this cold goes away and my body is ready for the treatment it must endure....where my friends Marsha Weaver and Suzy Potts are (I lost them a long time ago and never have been able to track them down), thinking of all the people in Maine I had hoped to see in November (until this unwelcomed visitor came to call) and I had to cancel our trip, trying to remember how blessed I am and how thankful I need to be............those things and about three dozen more.  It's just one of those days....I think I'll go fix me a cup of tea, curl up in a chair in the sun room for a bit and think of you........

Sending you to my other blog temporarily

I know I haven't written on this blog much lately and I guess I have a good enough excuse....I've been busy writing on my other blog  www.fitat99.blogspot.com ....actually keeping a journal of sorts on that blog about my latest diagnosis with breast cancer.  Yeh it stinks that I have to go through this again. You'd think that when you go through it once, you wouldn't have to do it again.  And 11 years cancer free has definitely given me a false sense of security.  But there you have it.  It is what it is.  I'm trying to patiently wait till my surgery date which is November 15th, 3 days after my 65th birthday.  I've already had the biopsy and they think they got most of it, but now they have to do margins and 3 lymph nodes.  So if you've been faithful to this blog and wondered why I haven't written, that's why.  I will try to get back here....especially to write things that don't pertain to my breast cancer.  In the mean time if you'd like to follow my second journey down this path that God has laid in front of me, then please follow me at www.fitat99.blogspot.com

That blog was originally set up as a motivational blog for everyone fighting the weight battle, but mostly for people over 50 who are trying like me to get fit and healthy and to be fit at 99.

So I'll see you over there...

And remember....At any given moment you have the power to say:
                            This is not how the story is going to end

Or as Katy Perry says....YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR ME ROAR!

When you wish upon a star....

Well it's 10:15.  I've been up since about 7:30 and I've been at my computer looking at some of the 600 bazillion things you can find in cyberspace and writing in my other blog Fit At 99  (written as a motivational blog for getting and staying fit...so you can be fit at 99)  www.fitat99.blogspot.com 

And I thought I should try to give equal time (or at least some time to this blog).

I go through the week with a million things rushing through my mind and some of them present themselves as topics or ideas of things I could write about. Some I put on the back burner for another time in my life, some I discard because I think they might just be too silly to write about and some just kind of linger around and beg to be put out there.

I guess today I might talk about something I've recently completed that I only do occasionally but that I love to do....and that is paint.  This time I painted a two sided store front sign for a small gift shop in New Braunfels, Texas.  It was a fun project albeit, tedious and time consuming.  But I did have the best time doing it and although it sounds silly, I miss the sign.  When I paint, a picture, a sign, door pulls, Toms shoes, whatever...I miss them when I'm done and have either sold them or given them as gifts. I think because I put my heart and sole into the project.  I think of painting as I do my writing. They both bring me great joy....and while I am working on them, they are like my children.  I become attached to them.

I so enjoyed working on that sign that I'm thinking of trying my hand at some other items that maybe I can sell on consignment.....not because I need to work....but because it makes me feel more alive.  It gives me purpose.  It makes me feel like I am using talents God gave me....which so often I don't do.  I often wonder what my life would have been like and where it would have taken me if I had pursued a career or careers using my talents.  I can sure tell you that I think my life would have been very different. Even though I don't know where that road would have taken me I know in my heart it would have been adventurous and rewarding and my life would have been peaceful (not that it's not peaceful now), but I think I would have found contentment and an inner joy that I've not found in other jobs.  I often think it is how my sweet friend Edwina Edwards must feel...because she did just that...she took her talents and made them her life. (Good at you Edwina...you inspire me!)

I think we each are given talents....sometimes they come to us as a surprise and sometimes we know right off what they are....I know you've heard as many times as I have, singers who say "when I was 3 years old I started singing and I just knew that is what I wanted to do the rest of my life".  Sometimes we realized what our talents are because when we are doing whatever it is ....be it singing, or sewing, or riding a bull....or yes writing and painting, a calmness comes over us, we forget about the world around us, time passes and we don't even realize it....we get lost in what we are doing.  When that happens, pay attention.  

I'm probably too old at this point in my life, but oh how I wished I had listened when at an early age someone said to me (or maybe I read it somewhere) that if you find what you love to do and you do it well and you study to be even more proficient....the money will follow...and what you love to do will become your work and you will love working (or something to that effect).  And now at almost 65, I so believe that to be true.  I try to tell my great niece that.  She's 13 and I think it's important to do in life what you love to do. You don't have to fit a mold, you don't have to work 9 to 5, you don't have to sit behind a desk all day. Dream, dream big and go for your dreams! You know...when you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are...remember Jackie Evancho  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7swF5b99tY

So lately that is where my days go and that is how my time flies (well that and playing Word Chums or Vacation Quest on my IPad).....or daring to let myself get on Pinterest which can consume a half day before I know it :)

If you're ever in New Braunfels, Texas and you're walking around the square and you happen to pass by Donegal Sue's (a little gift shop at 230 W. San Antonio St.),  look up and you'll see one of my children....

Me....Just the way I am....

I'm looking out the sliding glass door of my sun room, out past the beautiful stone back porch, on past my backyard and the backyard of my neighbor, past the greenbelt filled with native trees and medium cropped grass and brush..... and on past that area to the little bit of the golf course the we can see.  The sky is a pale baby blue and the clouds are long whisps of clumped cotton puffs in shades of pail gray. Where the sun is still shining in the west the clouds are reflecting it in hazy shades of white. News is on the TV in my living room....I'm not really listening....the channels are being clicked through...I'm busy watching momma birds carry twigs and pieces of nature fit for making nests....to nest that I can't see, but that must surely be tucked away in the awnings and under the pergolas in my neighborhood.  It's just a quiet normal day in the world of being retired. But I am drawn back to this morning and how even in what would probably be construed by many as just a pleasant little piece of heaven right here on earth..........the littlest thing can stir a memory, cause a sigh of helplessness, loneliness, heartbreak and tears to trickle down one's cheeks.

 It was a simple little Texas orange....you know (if you live in Texas), the kind they sell for 5 for $1.00 in H.E.B grocery stores. I cut one to put in my morning bowl of fruit.  I cut it like my dad used to cut his every morning........and that simple little orange and that simple little cut....cut right into my heart and the floodgates of memories of him came crashing from my heart into my mind and pouring out my eyes.  They say we all grieve in our own way. Some are able to grieve a short while and move on. Some take much longer.  Some know or pretend to know how to veer their thoughts in other directions to shoo away the sadness and the heartache.  But some, I guess like me, just need to let the hurt come out in tears. I try to shoo away the sad thoughts, to not let myself dwell on the loved ones I've lost to death or just lost track of.... I know I'm hard to understand because I can't explain the tears and the sadness....the quiet times. It's just me.  I'm not ashamed of it. 

 I admit it.  I cry....I remember my dad used to says I was  thin skinned and had a really soft heart.  Perhaps I am and perhaps I do.  Heck I cry at Hallmark card commercials and other commercials. I cry every time I see a news story of a dad or mom coming home from Iraq or Afghanistan surprising their kid at school.  I remember, as though it were yesterday, being glued to the TV when troops were coming home from Vietnam.....walking down the stairs of those planes, kissing the ground, running to their families....that's been 45 years ago and just thinking about that, writing about that, puts tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.

My heart aches for the young friends I knew so briefly in the short assignments my dad had in the military as we followed him from base to base....friends that I probably will never find if I look for the rest of my life....where is Marsha Weaver with her 3rd grade braids in Rantoul, Illinois, where is Ruth who lived in Virginia when I was 11 years old, where is Suzy Potts who hung out with my sister and I when we lived on Wheelus AFB in Tripoli, Libya, North Africa....or Ginger Giles.....how often I think about and never correspond with my dear sweet friend Edwina and my Spanish teacher Norma Trevino...and Pam who I call "my baby sister"....Laughing Bob and even those I never knew but identified with on the days I went for chemo...

I guess all of us in some way or another wear masks to hide, conceal or soften the real people we are....or maybe it's just some of us who do that....maybe those of us that do that are the cryers because we don't let people know who we really are. I feel the person I really am, is the person who writes.  My heart and thoughts flows right down to my fingers and onto the keyboard.....and oh how I wish I could say that happens unfiltered.  But I have to be honest, I peel apart the layers of my thoughts and the words/sentences I write...I guess from fear that I might reveal my inner soul....the girl who struggles with her weight everyday....the girl that can never find the words to stand up for how she feels about a situation, the girl who in some crazy way wishes she wasn't retired but still working, the girl who feels like she never did what it was she really wanted to do with her life, the girl who still wonders what it is she wants to do when she grows up. I'm 64 so why do I reference "girl" instead of woman......I'm glad I'm a woman and don't have the concerns and peer pressure of being a girl today.  I'm proud of my age and chose to grow old gracefully letting the gray gently come into my hair.....but I guess perhaps like every (or many) 64 year old person.....I want to think of myself as a girl because 'woman' ...."64 year old woman" brings thoughts that time keeps on drifting into the future.....and all of a sudden I am in that age group when the ones we love so much...family...friends...people our own age pass from our lives........and unlike when you are a girl and summers seem to last forever and life holds so many years and so much possibility.........now you wonder where all the years went so quickly and why are they flying by now even more quickly.........why do the tears flow as you want to scream...STOP...
PLEASE STOP....please, time, just stand still for a moment or two....or a week...or a month...or a year....and you wish you could turn back the hands of time to make sure you told those people you cared about how you felt, how much they meant to you, how much you loved them.  I think of not only precious family but of friends, classmates, people who came into my life even if for just a brief time....I know that God put them there....them in my life and mine in theirs for a reason....for a lesson...be it for one thought, one message that is a part of who I am today.  

It is heartbreaking to lose a parent even when you know they are in a better place and no longer in pain, when you know they've lived a good long happy life.........and it's heartbreaking to lose a child or a loved one in the flash of a moment when a senseless bomb goes off in a crowd. 

All these thoughts, all this emotion......looking out the sliding glass door of my sun room does bring me to tears, but it also reminds my soft heart that "Everyday you have the ability to say...This is not how the story is going to end" (I think that is a thought or quote by Christine Mason Miller...but not sure). It reminds my soft heart that everyday you should tell those people that are important in your life how you feel about them....we never know what tomorrow brings....we never know what the next hour brings.....so to Marsha Weaver, and Ruth in Virginia, and Suzy Potts wherever you are.....to John (especially John who loves me with all his heart and shows me every day), to Mom, to my Sister and her family, to all my step-children and their children, to Carol Ann who knows my soul and her sweet family, to JoAnn , to all my relative in Louisiana, friends I've made in Maine, San Antonio, McAllen, Corpus, Dallas and all corners of Texas, Oklahoma  Arizona Mississippi, California, Japan, North Africa, Michigan, - and many more places I'm sure are slipping my mind ....I love you.......I cherish each of you in special places in my heart....and I am so glad you came into my life....

I hope that somewhere out there an old friend might be wondering...what ever happened to Peggy Stone...

I'm here....I'm cutting an orange the way my daddy did....and I miss him. But I know as the sun sets and still lights up the western sky in the hill country of Texas that my old dad is looking down and telling me to be tough.....and not so thinned skinned....and that I am what I wanted to be when I grew up.....
.............Me...just the way I am.

Now the sky is turning a million shades of pale purple mixed with baby blue and pale shrimp....the air is still and it is quiet.....the day is ending.........really when I think about it....another day in paradise....

Who knows...maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and remember the saying that "as the corners of your mouth goes....so goes your day"....Maybe tomorrow morning I'll cut the oranges a different way, smile with the treasured memories in my heart..... and feel like this:

Switchy Swatching From One Blog to Another...........

The last few days I've been switchy swatching posts between my three blogs that I write...this one, my fitat99 motivational one and my achillesblog.com/torngoals blog I'm writing in the Achilles Tendon Recovery support communtiy.  A few days ago I wrote one that I thought worked well in my motivational blog and today I think the one I wrote works well in this blog....so rather then rewrite it, I'll send you over there to take a read.  http://achillesblog.com/torngoals is the place.  Lots of other people write blogs in that group and the encouragement and understanding of how we are all going through something so similar is so much help. Perhaps tomorrow I'll come here to Whimseys-Writings-and Thoughts and write something that might work at the other two sites.....Until then, have a wonderful productive day and I'll see you back here in a few days.

Life is a little tough right now....but today I'm in a good place :)

Oh Norma, how you set the stage......for the decades in my life

In my last post, I mentioned I was taking a memoir writing class and that one of our assignments was to do a timeline of our life thus far from birth year to today.  And one of the writing assignments we were given was to write about 'My First Decade'.

When you do a time line on the Internet using websites such as www.ourtimelines.com you can title the search with your name and put the birth year and the current year and when you hit enter, it gives you a timeline of major events that have happened in your life thus far....pretty cool....makes you think......puts things in perspective.

To write a brief autobiography you choose a few major events in each decade and write about how they related to you, where you were, what you were doing when the events happened etc.  Following is my first stab at it......and this is how I started with my outline:

FIRST DECADE 1948-1958

YEAR                 MAJOR EVENT                     CONSEQUENCES

1948           33 1/3 RPM MUSICAL                 LOTS OF MUSIC

                              RECORDINGS

1949          45 RPM MUSICAL                        LOVE OF MUSIC

                              RECORDINGS

1954         RACIAL SEGREGATION RULED   MILITARY UPBRINGING

                          UNCONSTITUTIONAL          DULLED SEGREGATION

1955          POLIO VACCINE AT AGE 7     REMEMBER BRACES/SERIES

 

1957          SPUTNIK LAUNCHED              STARS NEW MEANING

1958         NASA ESTABLISHED               OFF WE GO INTO THE WILD

                                                                   BLUE WONDER

                                                               

1958      STEREO LP RECORDINGS/                MUSIC IN HOME

              FM STEREO BROADCASTS

WRAP UP THE FIRST DECADE.... REVEAL



This is my story......(some names have been left out to protect the innocent......but you know who you are)

It was a hot night in July 1947 at a diner in New Orleans when my Aunt and my Uncle, introduced her sister to his co-worker from the oil fields.  Her sister was divorced and had a 4 month old daughter.  She was not that eager to be on a blind date. But as the music came on the jukebox and Norma Deloris Egstrom purred out a sultry song, their eyes met and as the saying goes it was love at first site and the rest is history. From that first meeting into the depths of each others eyes, they were together everyday after that and were married a short 3 months later in October , 1947. In November of 1948 I came into this world as she delivered another baby girl and the name printed on my birth certificate is Peggy Lee Marie Stone. The first decade, like every decade of my life was filled with music. The year I was born was the start of 33 1/3 RPM recordings. 1949 brought the first 45 RPM recordings and skip forward to 1958, the last year of my first decade, there was the introduction of Stereo LP’s and FM Stereo Radio Broadcasts. Music was always in our home, so it isn’t a surprise that even today music, from Perry Como, Norma Egstrom, Benny Goodman, Jo Stafford and great jazz and big band sounds, is some of my favorite. It’s what I heard in the womb...it what I heard as a young child.

My dad was in the military and shortly after my first birthday, my mother set me in a wicker laundry basket and boarded a train to meet my dad at his new duty station in Indiana...the beginning of what would be many years of following dad from one duty station to another in the United States and overseas.

 

Out of my realm of understanding as a small child, in the first decade of my life, there was racial segregation and turmoil. I was 6 years old in 1954 and living in Japan when racial segregation was declared unconstitutional. But having lived those 6 years on military bases we never thought anything of playing with and going to school with children of other races. As a child I always envied my cousins who lived and still live in southern Louisiana for having roots in one place, since the military transfers did not allow that for my sister and I.  As an adult I don’t envy them that, because of the wonderful places I got to see in our travels, and because I was taught from the time I was very small to accept that people are equal regardless of their race. Children of the south, at that time, were taught the 'ways' of the south, ‘ways’ that took a great deal of adjustment and struggle in their mindset.

In 1955, we saw the invention of the Polio vaccine and as a military brat I was familiar with the multitude of shots that always had to be taken as we traveled across the states and overseas....and I remember well hearing parents discuss the fear of this disease and seeing the pictures of children with braces.... and the “series” of Polio vaccine that children had to take.

The stars took on new meaning and the world became bigger in the last two years of my first decade with the Russian “Sputnik” being launched in 1957 and the United States establishing NASA in 1958. Since my dad was in the United States Air Force....I always felt partial to the expression.... “Off we go into the wild blue yonder!”

When I think back to my first decade not only were the stars  in my parents eyes, but the stars opened up to new worlds yet explored. Even back then new strides were being made in the field of medicine and racial acceptance and peace. The music took on new feeling, recordings took on new size disks and new extremes of broadcasting and magnification even as Norma Deloris Egstrom's sultry song made my dad and mom fall in love.  I'm sure she wasn't aware of how her music affected them or her affect on my life.........Norma Deloris Egstrom was the birth name of the lady with the velvet voice , her agent changed her name to what we knew her as.....Peggy Lee. 

 

I’m told I wasn’t named after her....my dad’s middle name is Lee....but hey it makes for a good story...and it’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

Words that say it all....

I am reading a book right now  The Truth About Butterflies
by Nancy Stephan (I'm loving it so far).

  In the beginning of the book she has a quote by an unknown author that says:

     "There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept,
      things that we don't want to know but have to learn, people we
      can't live without but have to let go"

I've read those words over and over again because right now in what I'm going through and what I've been through in the last 4 or so months, I could not express my feelings any better than to use those words.

Let me take you back a few months to, oh  I guess maybe last August, 2012.  I was for the most part feeling pretty 'on top of the world'.  I had lost 50+ pounds, was more trim, fit and healthy than I think I've ever been in my life.  John and I had just finished out our 1st year of retirement and were loving our neighborhood and neighbors.  Except for the occassional bouts of arthritis my dad was going through and the nagging pain that kept persisting in the Achilles Tendon of my left heel, things were pretty great.  I was having the normal struggles people go through in trying to maintain my weight loss, but even in that area things were not going too bad although I had gained a few pounds back.....so just kept pushing a little harder at the gym and on my power walks....telling myself "no pain-no gain".....  and my heel just kept on aching.... and finally the tendon just demanded to be looked at...so I went to a podiatrist. He put me in an orthodic that inserted into my tennis shoe and that seemed to help somewhat......for a while. My dad was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia *(I think)....you'll realize as we go along here that there were several times he was admitted to the hospital some more serious than others and they kind of all ran together....during those times I went down and stayed with mom and through my own fault found myself not eating very healthy......and not going to a gym or doing much of any kind of workout. As my tendon became more inflammed I was put in a boot and then given cortizone shots.  In December we went on a cruise (in the boot) and for a week I allowed myself to indulge in the culinary delights that were offered....knowing full well when I returned I would have to hit the fitness classes with full force....and that I did. Then dad was hospitalized with gout, with pneumonia (again), with heart problems....Over the weeks that followed I learned very quickly that I ate when I was stressed, when I was bored, when I was sad....my bad eating habits were sneaking their way back in....and "there are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept".  We soon began to realize that dad was not getting any better and in fact was getting worse with each hospital stay, and "there are things we don't want to know but have to learn". All the while, although the swelling had gone down, my heel continued to hurt.  I tried acupuncture which cured a few other ailments I had but didn't do much for the damaged tendon. And once again dad was hospitalized and when I walked in the room of the hospital and he said....in a clear voice...."please just make me comfortable and let me go".....I somehow knew he was speaking from his heart.  We tried everything we could do medically (to the extent that he was willing to do).  At his request he was transferred from a civilian hospital to a military hospital. When they did all they could do, they had him transferred to an Assited living/Rehab facility and we soon realized that we were wanting him to hold on 'for us' and that it was time to grant his wish and let him go, there are "people we can't live without, but have to let go".  And on March 1, 2013 at around 11:30 P.M., he passed peacefully from this world and we are comforted knowing that his heart is beating perfectly, none of his joints hurt, he has two healthy kidneys and he is taking in the crisp clean air of heaven with every breath. 

I was reminded that I eat when I am sad....and so the pounds have packed back on.  And still, in persistance, my Achilleds Tendon kept bugging me with pain.....so I got a second opinion and with the help of x-rays and am MRI, it was decided that 25% of my tendon was torn, I had a fluid filled bursa behind it and a bone spur that was hitting it..........I chose to go ahead and have surgery done....which happened on March 27th. I am now in my 12th day of post-op, plopped in a wheel chair with my left leg/foot elevated on pillows taking medication for any pain and not doing much exercise. But today that is going to change.  I am going to get my weights and bands and at least do some seated upper body work.....and I'm making plans for a full careful, slowly paced, recovery that will get me back to a full workout program.

Perhaps I am just making a correlation when there really isn't one, but I look back to 2002 when my husband passed away in February of that year and the next week I was diagnosed with breast cancer.....I was wisked away to surgery, chemo and radiation and for the next 8 months spent more time trying to stay positive and beat/recover from this cancer that I did not have much time to grieve the loss of my husband...........and now my dad passes away and 26 days later I am in surgery and now trying to stay positive and recover from this surgery........which has taken my mind off painful grieving of the loss of my dad.  I don't know if it means anything, if there is any correlaton, but I do beleive that God works in mysterious ways and that he helps us get through....He never brings us to something without helping us through.  I know that when I am recovered fully from this surgery, I will be back at the gym getting fit and healthy.....because one thing my dad's illnesses taught me is that "if you want to keep moving, you have to keep moving" and that "you have to eat healthy".  I know that is a lot easier said than done, but I see people here in our community that are as old as my dad was, or older, who come to the gym and make every effort to keep their body moving. During the time that my dad was hospitalized I had a friend I went to high school pass away and a neighbor pass away......and it made it ever so clear that you just never know when your "time" may come.  You have to count your blessings and savor each moment of each day.  I can sit here and feel sorry for myself that I am not able to get up, walk around, or exercise.....or I can thank God that I found a good doctor who was able to repair my injury and accept the fact that the recovery will take a great deal of time, but when I am completely recovered, I will be, as I expressed in the beginning of this post, "on top of the world". This is a temporary test of my patience, for right now I have to be still.....and it makes me think of the words of the Lord, "Be still and know that I am God". 

I am a part of a memoir writing group and our assignment for our next meeting is to write something about the first decade of our lives.....so I'm going to work on it and maybe it will become my next post.......in the meantime, have a wonderful day and keep your sunny side up!